It's been a while....
No longer in college...Living the "crap apartment/crap job/broke a lot" kinda life.I guess this isn't an ENG10# blog anymore, but I do come to look at what I wrote on occasion...
Been spending a lot of time taking an outsider's persective on my own life, and found a lot of things awry, internally and externally.
For the most part, happiness is a constant struggle, and a lot of it has to do with my own personal choices... I've discovered I've given nearly every artistic element of myself away to nothing and sacrificed it to please someone I love... and in discovering that I've also created a great big chasm and a whole new basket of resentment...
I miss school, and I would like to go back and perhaps find an actual major... something simple and portable. Like phlebotomy. Easy to take anywhere... just enough gore and science to remain exciting.
I don't know if Goldfine still gets updates on old blogs, but I think it will be amusing to see.
Josh has morphed into an entirely different kind of animal... the selfish, *ignorance is bliss* kind. You know, that breed that seems to do (whilst unaware) horrible things constantly without any discretion or consideration? I find myself looking for reasons to be alone frequently now. Communication is futile, whereas it used to be extremely open ended. My feelings seem to be of no matter until he hasn't seen me for a couple of days. It seems as though his concern for my happiness only appears when I dissappear. Peculiar, and extremely redundant. I'm very tired.
My days feel numbered.. yet completely numberless....... all blurred into one sorry existance, just waiting to be obliterated.
I'm very angry and lonely and just plain bored. Things never seem to work out the way they ought to. Josh is... at times... caring, innocent, and fun....but is also... in many ways... his father's son... abusive, opinionated, lazy, and just a *few* years late for apologies.
I Love the dog. Beginning to really dislike the dog. But he's .... he's constantly being... well... a dog. Joshua's dog, to be precise. Licking the furniture and everything else he can lick, Eating poop out of the catbox, begging...2 inches from my food, and my FACE....jumping/lying on the bed.... pulling the leash.... blocking EVERYWHERE I want to walk... ripping my velvet bed set... snoring... barking for 10 minute intervals... gouging holes in my toes with his claws... Eating the dirty socks... Peeing on the carpet, stealing the cat food/garbage/dinner/gum in my purse.....It's like having 2 Josh's.
I'm definately a cat person.
I want to run away, but I have no place to take the cats. Simon and Bernard won't road trip well.
posted by Kasey @ 9/14/2010 03:02:00 AM
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