Prompt Reaction # 11
If you don’t believe I’m leaving, you can count the days that I’m gone.To Whom It May Concern:
This is a letter; my farewell, my goodbye, my apologies. In the final words of Kurt Cobain, “What else should I be? All apologies… What else should I say?” I don’t know where I should be right now, in the beginning, or in the end. There is nothing here or there, or anywhere, for me to hook my fingers under and pull. My keys are out of tune, my frets are worn down, and my voice is cracked and dry. For a long time now there has been a leakage in the pipes, frayed ends, and loose knots. I guess you could say my knots have been untied. Maybe you don’t see where I’m coming from, but that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? It’s my ending, my future, or lack, should I say. Don’t make it about you again, because this is the last memory you’ll have with me. Let’s try and make it a good one.
There were times I’ve hated you, times I wanted nothing more than to see ahead, and never look at you or that house again, but there’s love underneath those broken stitches, a love very strong, and very loyal. You are mine, and you always will be, and I’ve always been yours, but there comes a time when you have to let your loves ones go. I’m not yours to hold and hover over anymore, I’m free, and freedom isn’t as easy as I wanted it to be. There were times I wanted nothing more than a comfort from you, a hug, and smile, a conversation. I guess you could say a greeting card makes up for the affection you don’t know how to give.
I never wrote this to make you feel any guilt or shame, you are the most I ever wanted, I’m lucky I have what I do. So here is my “thank-you”, for all that you have done to make my life easier than yours has ever been. Thank you for tucking me in when I was little, and for the anise in my tea. Thanks for Lyla, and for Patch. I know they were a pain in the ass. Thank you for the giant apples at school, and for girl scouts. Thanks for water-fights in the rain, and thanks for the fairy walks in the woods. Thank you for mocking me when I sang Christmas songs in the shower, and thank you for shielding me in the second grade. Thanks for prom, and for the cabinet full of spaghetti. Thank you for the strength, and for all of the weird, cherished memories.
For all the thanks I could ever give, there would never be enough to let you know I appreciate all that you have done, no matter how selfish I appear to be. I love you very much, but how could you have not known that something was wrong?
If you don’t believe I’m leaving, Mother, than you can count the days that I’m gone.
Always and Eternal,
Kasey
P.S. I’ve memorized the dimples and cracks in my ceiling, and the holes in the wall have become my monument, all apologies. I’ve grown to know that view, the maple and the telephone lines, sitting in the window, held up with a stick, The cobwebs in the corner were always destroyed, all apologies. I’ve seen the fibers of my pillowcase drenched in saline, memorized the blue and gold, and still managed to come down for supper. I never washed the dish I used; I just threw it in the sink, all apologies. I’ve yelled and screamed to an infant’s smile, and ruined her fun, all apologies. I’ve stepped over clutter, and let the trash pile on, and discovered the dog had shit on the floor. I didn’t clean up the mess and you cried… all apologies.
I came home from school on time, and you always knew where I was. I took care of the animals and the kids, and made sure dinner was cooked. I made sure she got her bath, and went to bed on time, and the corner was my attempt to keep her in line, all apologies. I struggled with school, but picked up the slack, and I made sure that the house was decent when you came back. I didn’t fuss when he was here, but when he was, I took a break, all apologies. I followed the rules, day in and day out, threw away my summertime, so she could go out.
I gave you all I had to give, and still you were not satisfied… All apologies.
posted by Kasey @ 11/29/2005 06:32:00 PM
1 Comments:
I particularly like the thank-you list--that it isn't all immediately clear to the reader does not detract from its gathering power.
The apologies work similarly and are similarly strong.
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